I realize that this post is long overdue, and I am guilty of wanting to write in here but not wanting to take the time to do it.
I am the prayer coordinator for our missions fellowship on campus next year. Me. The prayer coordinator. I feel so inadequate. I have been struggling with these feelings since last Thursday when I met with the prayer coordinator from last year and just realized how much God has gifted her in prayer. I don't have those same gifts. Prayer for me is a spiritual discipline that often is just that- something I discipline myself to do.
Don't get me wrong, I like praying, and I love that the God who created me wants to hear from me and cares about what I have to say and responds when I cry out to Him in accordance with His Word. It's just that I am weak. I am so easily distracted in my praying. I find a quiet place, begin to seek God, and next week's schedule pops into my head. I realize a wonderful thing God has done, begin to praise Him, and I start running my accomplishments through my mind. I start to intercede for a friend, and my last conversation with that friends starts to worry me, or make me happy, or just DISTRACT me.
I am confident that if God has placed me in this position for next year, He will use me. I'm not sure if I'm taking this verse a little out of context when I say that my situation is like in Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." In my weakness of praying God will intercede when I cannot. Anyway, I do know that He will use me even though I am unworthy. I look forward to all I will learn about prayer, but I am still pretty scared. I guess I just don't even know what to do or think. What a wonderful way to end.
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Hello Kayleen,
ReplyDeleteThis is Nichole L. I was just on your facebook site and saw your blog link. I was curious. I read this one, and I can't seem to get one of your last statements out of my head:
"Anyway, I do know that He will use me even though I am unworthy."
I want to start off by first saying... I do not want you to feel like i'm telling you how to feel or what to think, but I need to say this:
My belief is that God loves us and only wants us to be happy and satisfied in all areas of our life, regardless of anything we do or do not do. And he would never view you negatively in any way, or want you to view yourself as such.
You viewing yourself as unworthy is only detrimental to you, because if you can't believe in yourself, noone will. I'm not saying you must always be positive, but NEVER talk down to yourself. (Caps is used as empasis, not anger)
I know you weren't always like this, or you hid it very well. I hope you are able to face and conquer this insecurity and any others that may come your way.
Be Confident, Be True to yourself, Love life...Nothing can stand in your way if you don't let it.
Wow, sorry I didn't see this comment for exactly one year! Nichole! It's been forever.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I think that I was in some ways discouraged about where I was at last year, in some ways it was good, too. I felt unworthy, not in an "I can't do this" way, but in an "I'm going to need a lot of God's strength to do this" way. Unworthy in the that I don't deserve God's grace to serve Him at all because I am imperfect, but still acknowledging that He LOVES me and even sent His Son to die for me, and that I'm precious and honored in His sight.
At least, that's how I feel now. I guess I can't promise that's how I felt when I wrote that. I think maybe we were seeing the word "unworthy" in different lights. If you ever read this. :) It was so great to hear from you! It's been too long. I hear you're married! Congrats!